Friday, June 8, 2018

You're A Problem For Me

Currently Listening to: "You Deserve Better" by James Arthur

"Just because I'm single, doesn't mean that I'm looking for a relationship. I just got out of one. I want to be healed and healthy before someone else steps in and ruins my life," I said.

He rolled his eyes, "Grace, stop being so damn sarcastic." 

"But I'm fluent in it," I rebutted.

He paused at the clasp behind my back and I felt his hand come away.

"What's wrong," I asked.

I stroked the side of his face where his beard had been clipped. 

"If he walked in the front door right now, would you take him back," he asked.

I laughed and felt nauseated. I had thought about it but, honestly, there was nothing I could rummage up inside of me that wants that.

"I'm hurt but I was never stupid. He now means as little to me as I do to him. I never had to prove myself. Throughout all the months together, he was fighting and climbing the ladder that I left out. He squirmed and cried over me. He was embarrassed after my questions. I fought for us until we uncovered the truth. He was never man enough to come clean with his transgressions. He was never man enough to just say, "I fucked up and I don't know how to fix it." Instead, he escaped. He hid. He lied to his family. He lied to his friends. So, no, I would never take him back. His friends were more my friends during the loss of my father than he was. He gets what he deserves now. Mediocrity is not in my vocabulary and he knows that a life with me was more than he could keep up with. He was 100% correct when he said he was undeserving of me and he can continue to feel that way for the rest of his life," I explained. 

I walked away from him. I was happy he had asked that question when he did because any further and we would have been in over our heads. Goodness, his face was perfect. Those blue eyes reminded me of someone else. And his rough hands make me nervous. His broad chest felt safe. But I was really just a fan of how aggressive he would be when I'd see him. He'd always scoop me up into a hug and we'd start kissing in one solid motion. 

I never made it to the sofa though. He came up from behind me and I felt his arms around my waist.  He was breathing into the side of my neck and I was overcome with how tall he was again. 

"It's weird isn't it," he asked.

Confused I mumbled, "What?"

"Me and you. Would you have ever thought we'd be doing this," he continued.

"If you only knew the things I've thought about this situation. It's wrong, but it's not at all. I don't want anyone to know about it. But, then again, I want everyone to," I would have continued but he put his hand over my mouth.

"Your explanations are too long. I'll just take that as a no and we can move on now," he laughed.

He turned around and flipped off the lights. The only spark lighting the room was coming from outside the front door. I could still make out the lines of his body and I felt him push me towards the chair. He opened up the back door and turned on the light there too. We were glowing from both ends of the house now. 

He sat in that chair and patted his lap signaling for me to come to sit. I wasn't in the mood to argue so I did just that. I nestled on top of him with my knees at his side. I leaned in and rested my forehead on his. 

"This is nice," he said.

I smiled and responded with a quick, "Mmhmm." 

He came in for a kiss and before I knew it, he had my shirt over my head and let my hair loose from its braid. He bit my lip and released his grip on me.

"There, that's better," he said.

With more light, I would have felt extremely self-conscious. I could tell he was leaning back, taking in as much as he could while I sat with my arms crossed. But he grabbed my hands and pulled me closer. For as rough as he came off, he knew when and how to be soft with me. 

We were kissing again. His hands were in my hair when I felt the pulling at my waistband. 

"Just take them off," he growled in between breaths. 

I stopped and pushed back from his chest, "Um, you're still fully clothed." 

He popped up from the seat which made me pop up as well. He pulled off his shirt and nixed his shorts before he sat back down.

"Better," he smirked. 

I found my spot again but he went back to tugging on my waistband. He slowly guided me to the floor with far too much friction than I had originally anticipated for the night to have. Eventually, I let him take the pants off without a thought as to where things would lead. 

I felt him. This was the first time that I completely felt him, but as soon I did I snapped myself back into reality.

"You know we can't do this right," I asked.

He kept kissing me. So, I asked again but he continued to ignore my words. Instead, I felt his hand slide down my leg and lift it so my knee was bent. 

I stopped him, "No, we can't."

"You're a problem for me," he said.

"Yeah," I answered, "you're a problem for me too." 

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