Sunday, May 6, 2018

9 Months

Nine months may not seem like a substantial amount of time to some, but when it's packed with so many life-altering experiences, it's a largely important piece to my personal life's puzzle. Some may want to diminish the relationship I had to a single digit, 9, but those days were filled with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows in my 29 years of life. 

I've felt very unsettled for two months now. It's been two months since my father died. It's been almost five since my big brother passed. And it's been just one since I kicked my partner to the curb. I'm not sure why I get harsh judgement under the table for having feelings but putting what happened with my ex aside, there are still some heavy, heavy emotions to tackle on their own. 

But, today, I've finally pinpointed my unsettled-ness. I finally found simple words to articulate why.

I feel like I cannot start pushing passed the loss of my dad without my ex. And getting passed my ex without my dad being here has been a struggle too.

I realize the rationale behind those sentiments aren't fact, don't worry. But that's been my issue. It's been a constant cycle. Ping-ponging back and forth because they are so closely tied together. Safety and security I had in both. One real, one faux, but the feelings were there nonetheless. 

Let's not forget in the midst of all the juicy uncoverings that there is still a writer behind her keyboard that's processing a shit ton of loss. One way I process is to write and to connect and to talk and to relate. 

Driving to my house from my parents' this morning, I kept replaying the morning of March 5th in my head. Walking into the hospital, I already knew. I could feel it deep within my chest. Daddy was gone. So, when I flew through the emergency center doors to find my mom and sister in the "little" office closed away from the waiting room, I crashed. He was gone. He hadn't made it here in time. And the first time my phone vibrated, I looked down to see my then boyfriend messaging me. There was so much comfort in that. He was at home, with Claire, and he was going to help me stand back up from this.

But I was just being tricked.

I scrolled through them today, those messages between us. I now know by this time there was already someone he wanted to leave me and Claire for. They had only just met but he was finished with the relationship, despite the continuing promises, intimacy, and saved ring photos on his phone. It was overwhelming, to read the messages, now clearly stained with deception. He didn't want to make good on those words he was continually feeding me, our friends, and my family. 

I'm far passed setting the record straight on what happened within the relationship. There will be a book that includes its beautiful and cruel moments in time. Until then, readers can comb through the posts leading up to this one. Including the ex-girlfriends reaching out to me and defending his "honor." I find it amusing to see them (well, one) become an expert on the comings and goings of my relationship.

His communication anything but lacked. Instead, it flowed freely with lies. There's a difference. A big difference. So many lies actually that the girlfriend who had reached out to me, I never knew existed until recent days.

We can agree to disagree on a host of things. BUT there's a difference between sitting your girlfriend down and approaching her with sensitivity and respect, telling her that you don't see the relationship going any further and ...

Prepping for a future together, talking about buying a home, confessing love and plans of marriage, until caught red-handed with another woman; to clarify, that's not difficulty with communication. That's a game. And it's a game I never asked to play. I didn't ask for the "I love you." I didn't ask for him to call me his wife. I didn't ask him to beg for "dad" responsibilities with my daughter. I didn't even ask him to walk through the door. 

I only ever asked him two things:

1. I asked for his support after Dad died. I felt like my anxiety was getting the best of me and I needed my partner.

2. I asked him to pack up his belongings the night I found out he had been with someone else the entire time I was told that he was "fixing things" and coming home with "a ring." 

That's it. I didn't realize that I should have asked him, at the very least, to be my friend. Because I realize now, he never was that either.

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