Monday, June 12, 2017

Loosen The Knots



I write the best, or at least the clearest, when my emotions are at their peak and I'm sitting here with my face soaked. 

I feel like I keep learning the same sick lessons.

Don't trust people too much, Grace.

The benefit of the doubt isn't always a good thing to give people, Grace.

Not everyone is a good friend, Grace.

Oh, and Grace, your feelings don't matter to people so you should probably just keep them to yourself.

The betrayal, the hurt, never comes from your enemies, Grace.

It comes from the ones you love most and that's why it hurts so deeply.

It's why my entire family woke up to my crying tonight. It's why my daughter asked, "Mommy, why are you sad?" And now I feel horrible for that. I feel horrible for waking them up. And bothering them. And I feel horrible for having my daughter see me upset.

It's why I sit here trying to piece together all of the things I may have done wrong in the last decade of my life. Maybe if I figure out what I did wrong, I could fix it all. Maybe I can learn and figure out why I deserve that scar on my back. It's bleeding now, cut open by a different person.

I feel disposal. Replaceable. I feel like trash. Without value.

I feel used.

I feel this way because I find history repeating itself.

I know I'm far from perfect in all aspects. But I also say sorry too many times. I apologize for things that I shouldn't have to or need to apologize for. I shouldn't have to apologize for my feelings or for sharing them with someone. And if you make me feel uncomfortable and don't care, then I get hurt. And when I explain to you why, it's not going to feel good for you. But that's not me being hurtful, that's me explaining why I feel the way I do.

I'm learning though, that I may just be the one alone in the corner for the rest of my life.

I'm sure there are a lot of people that can sit around and talk about me. They can make a list of things I've done wrong. They can make a list of things I've said wrong. They can make fun or disagree with my writing or my feelings. They can make fun of how I look. I already do all of that though.

My first reaction to when I feel wronged is to blame myself. My first reaction to when someone knowingly hurts me is to try to figure out why I deserved it.

As I said, I'm far from perfect.

No one deserves the scars on their back. Mine wasn't even completely healed yet before someone else I love took the same knife and cut that soft, delicate skin wide open again.

Sometimes you just have to untie the string and let people go. You have to unfriend and close out the tab. You have to stop scrolling. You have to learn how to quit allowing others to hurt you. But even more importantly, you have to learn how to stop hurting yourself. Loosen the knots and let the rope drag away.
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