Friday, November 11, 2016

We All Have That One

Mine has blue eyes. All of mine have blue eyes. They're trouble for me. I should steer clear from them. 

We all have that one person. That one person we still think about every once in a while. We wonder how they are. We wonder what if's and why not's and ask the question, "Should I have?" 

Even if you're married, you have that one person. Don't act holier than thou as you post all about your perfect relationship online. There's not a perfect marriage. Both of you find others attractive. Both of you have thoughts. But before you start arguing with me about it, who's your celebrity crush? Boom. You have a person then. You have a person other than your person. That's totally normal. 

My person makes my stomach hurt a bit still. He knew me better than the person I wore a ring for did. I think he always liked me a bit better too. Sometimes I even called him for advice over that same person who bought me those beautiful rings. 

Don't get me wrong though. That person I walked down the aisle to, as he gave me a big thumbs up with a silly smile, I loved him completely. I still have immense love for him. But I'd be lying if I said that I never thought about the one who came before him. 

I remember sitting in a girlfriend's car riding around those back roads with Nickelback on a loop telling her that there was no way I'd ever feel "this" way about someone else. That statement still holds true. Those feelings may have been suppressed and distanced over a lot of years but they can easily be rummaged up. Actually, they can be felt too easily. I have to be careful. 

Sometimes I can feel myself tiptoeing a transparent boundary that's been drawn between us. I have to stop myself from saying something particularly witty, yet inappropriate, or from asking a specific question. It's a bit tortuous. What's even worse is knowing that he too lingers on a thick black line. I won't cross it not even when I'm asked to. 

I have a lot of great men in my life. Some are best friends. Some I've known since my Barbie days. Some I could call and they'd be here to laugh or cut the grass for me. But this one, he's my that one. I keep things from him now because I'm scared he'll be mad. My jokes are different now because I'm scared he'll call me out on something big and it'll hurt. I'm different now and I get scared he won't like it. Not that it matters, it can never matter. 

We all have that one that we made an instant connection with and was never severed. Some of you may have been lucky enough to explore what a relationship with that person could be. Others went their separate ways and became romantic with other people and those other people were always jealous of that one. But the spark that caught fire never really fizzles out. Even after all the attempts at throwing water on it, there's an otherness about your person. It's special.

It's such a puzzle. It can be such a treacherous game. And what's even more heartbreaking is when the timing gets right for you, it's completely wrong for that one. Because when it was right for that one, you were blind and stupid and guarded and felt like there was never a chance. Then you realize the fate. You realize there's no fate. That person will only ever be that one you'll always have. 

We all have that one person that takes up a small space in the back of our minds, an even bigger space in our hearts and a larger portion of our memories. Explore that one when you get the chance. Jump right in and don't be afraid of rejection. Do it for me, would ya?

Yes, he's that one right here.

{for an extended version of this beauty and an even more in depth look at my "that one" make sure to buy my hypothetical book when it hits bookshelves}

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