Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Star Light

Star Light, Star Bright,
The First Star I See Tonight;
I Wish I May, I Wish I Might,
Have The Wish I Wish Tonight

We all know the nursery rhyme. It's something we learn when we're quite small. But it stuck with me. It's still stuck with me. I love the stars. They're part of the reason I work so well at night. I look for them and I look to them.

When I was younger I kept a lot of journals. In fact, the last journal entry I have was from a trip to Hoover, Alabama. We stayed in a spa resort, hung out by the pool, took photos like the one above, ate pimento cheese with pita bread and I was writing at night. I would write this little poem out to remember after every entry. To believe in magic. To believe in dreams. To believe in impossibilities. I signed every entry with my "pen name," Isla Claire, and prayed for the day that I'd use it, ya know, for real. I needed the reminder again.

I know how to deal with rejection, especially in the professional world. I'll always get more no's than yes's and I've come to terms with that. And when you're pushing your work and heart out for the world to see, you have to anticipate the criticism even more than the support. But it's hard to hear opinions sometimes. It's hard to feel like your dreams and goals were just completely shit on.

You don't have to live in my world. You don't have to live in a world that's a little topsy-turvy and messy and where mediocrity isn't something to settle for or with. You don't have to live your life working for something that has a higher probability of not happening than actually coming to fruition. But I am, that's my choice.

I'm inspired by a lot. I can meet someone in the line at the market and create an entirely new story for one or both of us after I pay for my groceries and walk out the door. I can get a text from an old friend and concoct a brand new reality from just a few words. There's a difference between inspiration and reality though. Just because I can dream up an alternate universe doesn't mean I live in it. I just live in a world that reaches for more than a simple life. I'm sorry if that scares you or makes me hard for you to understand. Actually, I'm not sorry at all. Not one little bit. That's your own headache to bear.

I didn't go to school to become a teacher or a nurse. I didn't study something that would give me job security. In ten years I may regret those choices but so far, so good. I have steady work. I pay the bills. I own my own home. And I get tired of feeling as though I have to defend my choices, my feelings or the way my offbeat brain works. I'm not going to anymore. Embrace the weird and the different. The quick to judge always misses out on beautiful experiences and people. I never want to be one of those people. I'd regret that most of all.

So here I am again tonight, looking to the stars for guidance. Sending out good thoughts in hopes that the universe will return the favor. I say my prayers too, mostly for happiness and health, especially for Claire. Those stars have been really good to me so far. I'll keep on route to meet them one day and in the meantime I'm ridding myself of those that want to put a damper on the trip.

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