Friday, October 14, 2016

30 Minutes

Thirty minutes of his time tonight made my previous 14 hours so different.

"I feel weird," I said on the phone.

"I could make you feel weirder and stop by for a few minutes?" He says it like a question.

My hair is bigger than it was 14 hours ago. It's messy. My eyeliner is smudged in a non-purposeful way. I'd really love a shower. But I didn't care. I just said ...

"Sure, why not?"

This is not the man that I had been talking with before. The one who has been creeping into my dreams and I've been writing about and including real text from our conversations for you all to read. This is someone new, but old. This is someone present and very aware.

I wish that other one, the new one, was present and aware. I took for granted the short time that he was. And I hate that I wish that because here it is, something that could be really great, right in front of my face and all I feel is ... weird.

That's how I've always kind of felt when someone liked me and I didn't like them back and I didn't know what to do with my hands or my face and I just kind of freaked out and would pretty much say this entire run-on sentence in one giant breath like, "ohmyGodIdontwanttomakeyoufeelasweirdasIdobutpleasedonttouchmethanks."

Although, I don't mind this hunk of a man touching me in the slightest. And I should probably give him some type of chance. He doesn't live here either; just my luck. He's back in our college town. He is my friend though. Our quiet chats about Call of Duty in stat impressed him enough, actually that cannot be true because it was just my sarcasm about the game that I pretended to play with thou who shall not be named that got me through those conversations. I'm pretty sure it was just my constant use of the word "noob" that tickled him in the right places.

I have no idea when I'll see him again. Coffee was nice. His attention to my ring finger and the kiss on my neck, all of that isn't easily forgettable but neither were the feelings, or actually, the instinct and excitement I had about someone else. That's the predicament we all have though right? We compare and contrast instead of just taking someone as they are and making an opinion based off of him or her and him or her alone.

I won't say I walked away from this little meetup confused because I am not confused about my feelings or what I'll eventually want. I definitely know what I need. But that predicament pops up again, the one that so many of us have. We want what we shouldn't want. We want what we really don't need. Or at least that's the conclusion I'm coming to based on the past few weeks. I need someone that is mature enough to communicate their feelings. I want someone that will finish an argument when both of us have had our say. And I really wouldn't mind someone that kept their word no matter how small that is. I'm in no rush. I'm just learning. All of these thoughts were just compacted into a quick 30 minute conversation that I walked away from feeling a bit relieved.

I'm still hoping for that new one to meet the expectations he seemed to have made for himself. But that hope is very slim because I'm not stupid. I'm not stubborn either though, at least not about these things, and I don't live in denial. You want me, I'm here. You want to talk to me, I'm here. You just have to let me know. And this one is letting me know, this one with the beard who smells a bit like magic.
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