Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Three Days With Tinder

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. DAMMIT, I could have liked that one. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Maybe. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

(if you didn't catch it, that dammit was when you're on a nope spree and x someone too fast and realize too late that you may have actually wanted to say yep!)

After a Friday night of coaxing, I did it. I downloaded the damn thing and braved the embarrassment. I was on it months ago, some of you even saw me. Shamelessly, and a bit shamefully, I, along with some other pals, were swiping away looking for my now ex-husband to pop up. I'm not sure what it would have accomplished other than more hurt, but we did it anyway and I got some memorable giggles out of it.

But this time, Brooke wanted me to actually try something. "It'll at least give you something to write about," she said. 

And she couldn't have been more right. I may not be super impressed by the ideology behind it all, but after three days I sure do have one hell of an experience thus far. Well, maybe not an actual experience but a classic "Grace" scenario. Also, my lucky streak is really on fire. Out of all the matches and messages, the one man I would actually go on a date with, well, he is 9000+ miles away ... IN AUSTRALIA. 

Tinder is supposed to give you local options, right? Well, my first match ... my first message on this trendy little app was from a man on an entirely different continent, where my best friend is living - the one who talked me into this, the one who said "just try it." It's ironic and hilarious and I'll be visiting her in February. So, if the shoes fits, wear it all the way to a different time zone, right?

I had to download an entirely different app to text him, which includes voice messages that I melt over. Have you ever been greeted with "G'day"? It really makes the mood so much cheerier. I totally get the appeal now Brooke. He calls snaps "snappies," he called my ex a "wanker," he calls a field a "paddock"... good on you Tinder but thanks for the cruel, cruel joke of having him literally an entire day away from me, living in the future. He is studying to be a pilot though so, he can just wing it to Nashville (see what I did there?).

Then there are the obnoxious amount of inappropriate messages. To quote a few:

"MILF." <--- How about no?

"Does mommy need a night off tonight?" <--- Mommy is going to punch you in the face if you refer to her as mommy ever again. 

"Me .. You .. Let's toss in the sheets." <--- Is that even serious? 

"Do you have any MILF money I can borrow?" <--- I'll give you creativity, but no.

I even had someone tell me that he was looking for a "trusting partner," one that he could "stick his d*ck in and not have it sizzle off." I laughed a lot but I also threw up a little in my mouth.

But here's what I have learned.

Nashville Tinder men are hairy, they all believe they're musicians, they really love "gym time" and having a "healthy lifestyle" but they're all obsessed with pizza and bourbon too. Apparently, the most popular hobby is spelunking and taking photos on cliffs in various locations around the country.

I have gotten quite a few ego boosts as well. A large handful of messages have started out with some type of compliment about my eyes, which surprised me. I hadn't really noticed them in years, so if anything, I'm happy I rediscovered something that I too love about myself thanks to this array of new dudes.

I doubt I have it much longer. It gives me a bit of anxiety when someone starts grilling me with questions or I get nervous that they're going to say something disgusting and ruin themselves. Instead I'd rather talk to the one I was already interested in before I took a dive into the deep end. I'd rather focus on one situation than juggle several men that don't give me an ounce of the warm feelings that he does. But what's a gal to do if he's confused and seemingly as though forgetting about me at his leisure?

I'll try to have fun and I'll try to not be so scared.

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