Tuesday, September 13, 2016

They Rallied


I went to see my counselor today. I like to refer to these every-so-often visits as "mental tune ups," seemingly as though in June he told me that I didn't need counseling. I looked at him and said, "Woah, let's not get too crazy now."

He was right though. I was creating a new life. I was done crying. But three months later, I was ready to be re-validated by a licensed professional that I'm actually not crazy, or over-the-top, or ridiculous: all once felt as a direct result from he who shall not be named. 

My friend sent me a quote the other day. 

"she needed time. like we all do. time to be ok. because sometimes feeling right after feeling so wrong for so long. is the hardest thing to get used to." - JmStorm

It hit me hard. Someone found my feelings and put them into simple words that could be understood by all. I tried once, to relate this feeling here. Sometimes I'm light, other times I'm stiff. But the past few weeks, I've just been light. I've recaptured my spirit that fell to the wayside years ago. My friends have noticed. Actually, to quote a conversation with one of my best friends - someone who has known me far before puberty struck...

Leah: Can I tell you something?

Me: Yes...

Leah: I like you better without him.

Me: I like me better too.

Me: Can I know why? For intel purposes?

Leah: You just seem happier. You're not as bitchy. And I didn't realize that you were bitchy until you weren't anymore.

And she's right. My home feels better. My days feel better. I rush around a lot and I have a hell of a lot to do throughout the weeks but I don't have the anxiety and stress and subconscious stomachaches anymore. I am okay.

Part of the reason I'm okay is because of the friends that I have. I've accumulated so many special people. So, when I'm feeling awful about myself. Or when I walk away from a toxic conversation with a battered outlook, I can remember that if I was really so wrong in so many ways, these wonderful people in my life wouldn't have rallied for me this year. They wouldn't have rallied for our friendship, for Claire, for my health, for my sanity, for my home. 

They helped me pick up the pieces when the pieces kept being shattered into tinier and tinier bits. We cleansed my house with sage. We packed up his stuff. We texted all day. We texted all night. We sent songs and quotes. We watched movies. We went on drives. We cried together. We ate. We drank. We made financial plans. We made plans for Claire. We dreamt. We rallied through the crisis that struck my family. 

I won't ever forget each and every one of their reactions when I told them the news. Some had tears, some had no words, some were furious, but it was all raw emotion. And that's when I knew that I wasn't learning of the loyalty of my husband during this time, but I was learning of the loyalty of my friends. 

I told Ashley on the couch at my house nearly a month after he walked out the door. She gasped and covered her mouth in disbelief.

I told Sam shortly after that in March. She cried on the phone to me and kept repeating, "I wish this were happening to me." 

I told Leah first. She came over a few days after I realized what was happening. "Where is he," she asked. And that was it for her, she was done. She cried for Claire the first night she spent with us.

I had to tell Lauren on the phone too, I didn't want to trouble her throughout school but she needed to know. She couldn't believe it. She had near to no words. 

I had no other option than to tell Brooke on the phone, which was one of the harder conversations. I cried so hard that night when she said, "No, this isn't going to happen to you guys."

A few other friends were mad I waited so long. But I had to spread it out. I had to keep my composure and not feel so humiliated. I even reached out to an old friend I grew up with because I needed his help with some things. He was there through the thick of it, giving me great advice, cracking a few jokes and most importantly, not sugar coating things. I still appreciate the times he "yell texted" at me. 

My two male friends, the ones that I'm closest with, they were the last to know. I was extra embarrassed to tell them. I was disappointed to tell them. I was nervous to tell them. They were there the day I needed them to be though. The very day I said that I needed to talk, they came without question.

I have to use all of this as a reminder. When I'm feeling rather down or questioning myself, I have to think of these people and all they've done for me and remember that they see something in me that I forget about. And it's not that I'm awful, or loud, or ridiculous, or too much of anything other than a pretty damn good person.

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