Sunday, September 11, 2016

Incapable Of Hiding My Feelings

I am completely incapable of hiding my feelings. It's not like a "she wears her heart on her sleeve" type of scenario, it's a "her emotions come out of her mouth like projectile vomit" type of situation. 

I got caught in a rainstorm yesterday, hence the photo. I always do my best thinking when it's raining. And when I was being cleansed on my way to the car, driving in the monsoon on the way home and unloading everything inside while the rain broke, I thought, "My goodness this is me in the most metaphorical of ways." I'm a constant storm of thoughts and criticism and so ... many ... feelings. They're distracting.

Okay, that's not necessarily 100% true. I am composed in public. I can joke about the hard stuff. I get things done. I am professional. But when it comes to my people, I am a ball of fire and tears and plans. And he pegged it so quickly. It's why I write.

I've said it before, I am not used to anyone - especially men - challenging me. But he does. Preconceived notions and doubts aside, I'm interested. I don't want to be though. I don't want to care and I want to blow it off because that's easier. It's easier to stay logical. 

I'm learning that I can't plan my life though. You can make plans but you cannot plan how your life will play out. We cannot predict the end game. We planned our pregnancy, but getting Claire here wasn't how I had envisioned it. We planned a wedding but some things are just out of your control in terms of forever. And whether we all believe we have a firm grip on our feelings, when it comes to attraction and all "L" words, there is a power that's bigger than our will to stop it behind it all. Some of us are just gutsy enough to relay the message, others are too scared so they run away. 

I'm in limbo again. Do I run away? Do I stop myself? Do I make myself crazy analyzing every aspect of, well, everything, like he knows I do? Do I allow myself to just feel all the feelings that wash through me? I have no idea what the right answer is. He mentioned that he didn't want me, or that I shouldn't be, lukewarm with people just because I don't want to get hurt. I wonder if he still believes that I'm being that way with him. 

He could be completely bullshitting me though. Apparently I attract a lot of them. The chatting may fade in a few days. The dream sharing may never happen again. I've heard him giggle after I say something ridiculous or annoying or predictable, just like that one time I Liked A Boy. I like his honesty, even when it makes me nervous to receive. I like his smirk. I like his random texts that include a thought that I never expected to be let in on. I should have made this entire blog completely anonymous instead of plastering my name on the home page like a huge twat because he's going to read this and easily realize that he was on my mind when I wrote it. Oops. Unless he lied about watching these posts "like a hawk," I'm not naïve enough to think that's not a possibility.

Two things will now happen.

1. He'll run.
2. He'll ask me a hell of a lot of questions.

I told you that the ones with balls with stay. 

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