Saturday, August 6, 2016

Too Much

Will I always be the one in the room that is "too much," of something? That's a thought that's been on a loop in my mind for some time. I tend to think that I'm a confident person but it waivers, especially with all the blows to my ego and heart lately.

I don't want to be the harder choice, but when comparing apples to oranges, I feel like I've been the one that you have to trench through the Alps for instead of just heading into the backyard and snatching the fruit from the tree. But who wants something so easy? I guess a lot of people do.

I'm tired of being too much, but I don't ever want to be not enough.

And I teeter between the two.

I think too much. I know too much. I share too much. I weigh too much. I'm too loud. I'm too intimidating. I expect too much.

None of that is true, yet all of it is.

I do think too much. I overanalyze situations, and they set up shop in my head until the issues are resolved. I have a dreamer's mind so while I'm picking apart my current situation, I'm concocting new ones in my head. It's a magical way to live, but it can be lonely and disappointing too.

I can know too much. I'm overly observant and smart enough to retain it all. "It" being a broad range. But this is something that I am proud of. I don't want to suppress my curiosity, intellect or vocabulary to make someone more comfortable.

I obviously share too much. I trust quickly, so I get disappointed a lot. But I'm not one that has her guard up. Maybe I should learn to hold up a shield, but you'll know what's on my heart and mind. It will never be something you have to guess. It shouldn't scare you.

I weigh too much, by society standards. In reality, I'm quite healthy. I've got the bloodwork to prove it. But there are days that from the neck down I could rearrange and do without. I can still wear the jeans I wore in high school, they just fit different.

I can be louder than need be. Louder in every sense, from the volume of my voice to how I can creep into your mind without having to be fully present. My opinions are even louder. I'm a passionate person.

I wouldn't agree with this, but I've been told by multiple people. What makes me intimidating? I'm the one with Disney movies on her DVR and can sing literally every song off of the Legally Blonde - the musical - album. But I guess all of the above answers that question.

I do expect a lot, but I don't think I've ever expected too much. I expect people to keep their word. I expect people to tell the truth. I expect people to dream and work towards their goals. I expect people to be kind to one another. I expect people to communicate.

You may get too much with me. I may drive you crazy. But no matter the type of relationship, you have all of me. You have loyalty. You have a faithful companion. You have someone that's proud of you. You have someone that supports you. You have someone that was too much for someone else when that someone else decided to settle for someone easier. And who wants easier? Easier isn't happier or better. It just takes less effort. I'll be sticking with those that want to give me that.

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