Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Mood

"I'm in a funk," she says. It could be PMS. Maybe she's just hungry or she's tired or she's had enough of dealing with people without an ounce of intellect. Either way her mood isn't the loveliest. Her hair is always messy. She only has time to put on eyeliner once a month, at best. Her clothes are getting bigger, which for her says a lot since she never buys clothes that fit her in the first place. Her skin isn't sun-kissed but her teeth are straight and white. Her nose is crooked from a softball to the face in middle school that she never got fixed. It adds character and insecurity and midnight nose bleeds.

Sometimes she still picks her outfit out at night for the next day like she did in high school. There's darkness on her ring finger that makes her wince but in a different way than it did a few months ago. She writes about herself in third person trying to gain perspective. She has thin hands and feet, it can be a strange balance with her curvy body but it makes her feel good when people comment on them. Her great aunt was a hand and foot model, she likes to think it's a nod to her, blood-related or not.

Every first kiss she's had with anyone has been awkward. She's affectionate with everyone. She gets nervous over everything but stays composed so no one ever knows. Well, her friends know because she tells them. She has really good friends.

She's allergic to grass but still doesn't pass up a chance to be outdoors with a glove. She has to wear glasses to the batting cage now. She realized that she had lost her passion for music over recent years but has had a lot of fun rediscovering it. She hasn't picked up a book in 6 months until last week, it felt like home. She likes coffee a lot too and her Starbucks order has gotten increasingly more high-maintenance. Tall, iced white mocha. No whip. Skim. Half the pumps of syrup, please.

She dreams of family vacations. Exploring the Rocky Mountains again. Visiting the San Diego Zoo. Random weekends to Chattanooga. Cruises. Kissing the Blarney Stone. Watching Claire experiencing it all. It will all happen because she'll make it happen. The future is different but the excitement for it is all the same. She hopes for a bigger family. More children. Even more love.

She still loves school. The excitement of new pens and notebooks is just as fun as Christmastime for her, whether she's going or not. She misses watching movies. She's longing for fall. Actually, she's always longing for fall. Her favorite flower is the tulip, but that is changing too. Maybe it's a peony now.

She can swim but doesn't like it. She'd rather be on dry land. She'd rather be watching it snow from the windows or listening to the rain. She's not sad though. She has faith in her story. She musters up some courage everyday to face everything outside. She gets out of her comfort zone. She's uncomfortable a lot. She's kind of brave. And she's proud of herself.


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