Sunday, August 14, 2016

Healing


I've been sitting in my living room watching Claire play with her baby dolls while I try to get a jump on my deadlines for the week. I can't work in my office right now, partly because I don't have a desk. But I also don't want to miss little moments like what I just witnessed. 

Without looking behind her, Claire goes to take a seat on her fluffy, bunny chair her Grandparents' got her for her birthday. She completely missed though and fell right onto her bottom. She was startled at first, but she laughed it off. It was small, but it was so special. 

The initial shock after a fall, it's scary. Whether it's literally or figuratively, when your ass hits the pavement it hurts. But what do you do afterward? Do you shake it off and pull yourself together like Claire? Or do you keep looking back at the fall and eventually crash again? 

She gave me a giggle tonight. But she also reminded me of a lesson that I've had to teach myself and work through this year. When your ass hits the pavement, get up. Don't just sit there and watch yourself bleed. Get up and do your best to start healing. 

I'm to the point in my own healing that I'm ready to have fun. I'm happy to be excited about who I've become after the fog has faded. I'm even looking forward to sharing this version of myself with a missing piece one day. A missing piece that plans to take the reigns of this messy, loyal, awkward, nervous, funny life and make it better with me. 

My healing isn't over, I'm not sure that it ever will be. There will be residual resentment, anger, heartache, skepticism, trust issues, hopelessness, bad memories and trauma. But that's why I plan to keep doing what's helped me, even when I was uncomfortable and had to force myself to jump completely outside of what I was used to. 

Spin class, obnoxious amounts of text messages with Brooke, coloring, journaling, videos of Claire, organizing my closet, Arzelle's, perfecting eyebrow makeup, designing a new tattoo, counseling, daily affirmations, dates with Leah, James Bay, admitting it to people, concert tickets, swallowing the embarrassment, making a point to take care of my skin, spending extra money on hair vitamins, drive-throughs with Lauren, seats at the theatre, not feeling guilty about my crap TV obsession, trip planning, daydreaming, smack talk with Ashley, finding my perfect Starbucks order, pedicures, Sam's pep talks, putting the jewelry in the safe, Meghan Trainor, selling everything else, knowing that we're really going to be just fine, Nicole's steady spirit, car chargers, my family ... all of this and more has become a big part of my own healing. 

I'm sure I'll find more. I hope to find someone. And I really cannot wait to be freed from all the secrets. 

Let's pray for a really great week. 
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