Monday, June 30, 2014

Motherhood Dreams...

Now that the cat is outta the bag, it's time to get serious. Before we get into our funny adventures, trials and tribulations thus far in the pregnancy world, I'd like to share a bit of my thoughts on how we got here - to this magical place in our lives. 

Over a year ago now, April 2013 to be exact, I was planning on enrolling in fall courses at Johns Hopkins University for their Master's in Communication program. The weeks leading up to enrollment, I was torn. Do I enroll and take the two years to finish my master's? Do I wait two more years to have our first baby and start out with debt? What exactly is pulling me to get this next degree? Although I adore school, I love going to classes .. I even look forward to going and picking out new notebooks and pens, my reasoning behind getting a master's degree was morbid and fueled by my anxiety. Although I am thrilled to say that I got into JHU, with an impressive enough resume and undergraduate GPA that they didn't even have me take the GRE, I was furthering my education not to further my career but to appease a fear. I kept saying to myself, "If something happens to Justin, how can I get a "normal" job fast? Like one with benefits and such..." - and my plan was ... get a master's degree and be able to hook a teaching job if disaster calls. In the end, I told my fear to go walk off a cliff. I couldn't allow my life to be ruled by my obsessive anxiety. I didn't want to wait two or three more years to start a family with Justin, and I didn't want to start a family out in debt. Although a part of me sometimes feels as though I let myself and my pride down by not pursing the degree, and sometimes I even feel like an idiot for turning down JHU - I'm proud of myself for being accepted - I also have no doubt that I would have soared through and reached the goal if it was a goal that I really did want.

My heart is with Justin, my passion is in writing but my dreams have always wandered into motherhood. I wasn't the girl who dreamed of her wedding day from the time she was little, my daydreams were never of the aisle until about 3/4 of the way into my relationship with Justin. But I always thought about the adventures I'd have with my kids, I knew a husband was inevitable for those plans, but until the man that was to be my husband came into existence that part of the picture was shadowed - a mystery. 

And now that those daydreams are becoming a reality, I couldn't be more thrilled and excited. What makes it even better is that I get to have a precious baby with Justin. I hope they get his serene spirit and they pass on my anxious attitude. 

Since I made the decision to keep living my dream job (well, at least climbing the ladder to it) and enjoying my day-to-day with Justin, we've been planning for a baby. A certain amount in the savings account, the time of year, the right doctor ... all of our ducks were in a row when we found out this was real. We talked about experiences we want our baby to have and different rules we'd like to follow (one being NO RODENTS in the house, EVER) and goals we'd like to reach when raising a curious gentleman or a strong, confident young lady. We even got a puppy last summer so our future children could have a lovable buddy to care for. 

I'm not sure if I deserve the good karma, or if I'm speaking too soon, but on a nightly basis when I curl up next to Justin under the covers and close my eyes waiting for sleep to take me in, I round up all my prayers to God, St. Jude, St. Anthony, St. Christoper and my Grandmom (all my go-to people) and give them a big fat thank you for everything they've blessed me with along the way and a promise that I will try to be a deserving, better person for it tomorrow. 

I'm so happy to have this blog, even if there have been gaps in the script, because now our little one can reach back and read about all the happenings of before he/she is born, but more importantly, how thrilled we are that he/she is on their way to meet us. 

Also, it's important enough to note that our puppy dog Willow, will be the absolute best first best friend EVER.


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2 comments

  1. Oh Grace thank you for giving us a peak into your life, dreams and desires of your heart! So eager to follow you on the perfect journey God has planned just for you! xxxxx

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  2. Oh Grace thank you for giving us a peak into your life, dreams and passions! Looking forward to your next post!
    Kim

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