I've felt it lately. Well, I've felt a lot of new things lately. I've been lonely and frustrated. I've been inspired and fiercely determined. I've been really angry and resentful at times too. I've been exhausted. I haven't been my normal, "happy" self but that's okay, I'm happier in the fall anyway.
What I've felt most lately though is God's presence. And I don't think I've ever been more conscious of it until this season of my life. There's a higher power that's been ruffling feathers amidst my days and although He has quite the cheeky sense of humor, I appreciate it. God has been removing all of the distractions in my life. Of course, that's been a list of men that kept deterring my focus.
They've been crossed off for a multitude of reasons. I lost interest suddenly or they turned into a raging, rude egomaniac and made it easy for me to not give them a second thought. I woke up a few days ago with a simple yet rather large revelation for myself. I've given so much attention and focus to the fun I was having with these ... dudes ... that I never truly realized that I had only developed true, real feelings for one of them. That made it even easier to delete a few more numbers I had collected.
I'm more spiritual than I am religious. I'm private about my prayers. But I do like knowing that my faith is in something bigger and that something has a great sense of humor.
I gave myself a deadline. This time it was one to take seriously. I was tired of putting off writing about hard things because I knew it would take me to a dark place. But I did it. March was hell because I was quite literally drowning in my past. No one could understand my terrible mood. And these men that were popping in to chat, they couldn't handle my lows. Instead they wanted to be combative or rude when I just needed to be given some slack and left alone.
And so I was. That's when I finished it. I finished the books throughout the weeks that I silenced my phone and forgot about all of the players on the chessboard. It was a good lesson.
Then I met a man named Austin. Although he looked like a beefier, tattooed Bradley Cooper, his sweet talking wasn't bringing me to my knees. But I felt like he deserved a chance. He opened up about a lot of personal details, ones that I respected and sympathized with. I gave him a hell of a hard time though. I batted away his compliments and talks of the future. I was extremely skeptical. I told him that the same lines he used on previous women weren't ever going to work with me. I'd rather have something full of substance. He liked the small challenge. I didn't open my laptop the entire time though. Days went by and I was so distracted by this man who was bothering me more than impressing me that I didn't work once toward my end goal.
Sometimes I would sit silent during our phone calls not knowing how to respond to him. While he gushed, "I feel like we have a really deep connection. Our conversation is really great."
I replied, "Well, the conversation could be better," not realizing what a bitch I actually sounded like until the words ran out of my mouth like fiery diarrhea.
He laughed at me though and liked my angst. I liked that he kept trying.
But then he vanished. The last thing he texted me was, "When can I talkkkkk to youuuu?" or something of the sort.
He completely dropped off. I didn't text him throughout the next few days of silence. Honestly, I thought the only way he would have missed a phone call or a good morning text would be for some extreme reason like, I don't know, incarceration.
Until he resurfaced with a batch of messages that made no sense and had me barely replying. I had a feeling he had another woman up his sleeve the entire time. Low and behold, the day after he came up for air I find Mr. Austin tagged in a life event on my Facebook newsfeed. He's now in a relationship. And I just started laughing.
"Smooth move God. You're watching out for me," I thought.
I feel a bit sorry for the woman who seems completely smitten with a man whom days earlier sounded giddy talking about our deep connection. Actually, it completely sucks for her. I hope he doesn't screw her over. And I hope she likes extremely metrosexual men.